Sobriety

It was requested of me...no that is not true, it was suggested, no that's not right either, I was told if I felt like it I could write a 500 word guest blog for http://www.alcoholicshare.org.
I have decided to give this a try, taking me completely out of my comfort zone.

To start with my alcohol use started when I was young, 12 or so, I always blacked out after drinking. It could be one beer and the rest of the evening was a blur to me. I was what is called a functioning drunk. That is the most ridiculous term, there truly is no such thing. Yes I worked everyday, rarely went in hung over or drunk, note the rarely, when I did I passed it off as just "being sick". Well of course I was sick, I poisoned the shit out of myself the night before, and on purpose. I raised 5 kids like this. I though that I was doing okay, that everything was fine. When young I was promiscuous and reckless, thinking I was adventurous, I was lucky is all. I never ended up in jail,wrecking my car, or losing a job. what I didn't see was that I lost me. My self respect, my sanity. I put myself in bad relationships, dragging my children with me, keep in mind I had 4 kids by 20 and 5 by 24.
At 50 I had long since known I had a problem, with no clue how to change it. I tried, oh how I tried to quit the cycle.  My oldest daughter quit drinking and became a member of AA, she cut ties with me, I was devasted. I understand now, but at the time I was suicidal over this. Then I began to see, I wanted to know so I searched and researched how to change this. I quit drinking for a month or so, started to feel better, but alas the disease pulled me back.
I needed counseling that was it...after all there were many things in my history that I drank over, many from before the choices were mine. I was severely sexually abused by an elder family member, physically and emotionally abused by my father and left to swim alone by my mother. Into counseling I went ....again. To no avail.
What happened? When the pain of drinking became to much to bear I got sober. A dear friend of mine, whom I loved as one of my children, came to my house one afternoon. He was an addict/alcoholic, I adored him as did many others, he had a small daughter and one on the way. He stopped by to make amends for some trivial wrong doing. My husband and I were sitting on the front porch, I of course drinking a beer, Mike went in and grabbed a beer, sat with us for a few minutes and drank it. Then hugs and I love you's all around he climbed on his newly acquired motorcycle and left, hitting 50 before the end of our street popping a wheelie most of the way. We both said at the same time,"He's gonna kill himself on that thing." 4 hours later we got the news he was dead, wrecked, what almost looked like suicide. He was drunk. I have been sober since that time. I will never allow another person to leave my home after consuming alcohol, nor will there be any here to consume.
It took 5 years for me to go to AA, I white knuckled it, with the teachings of my daughter and friends I met online, I became a different person. I have now recognized I am not God, I have  spiritual beliefs that save me. I don't have a sponsor but know I need one.
Today I am coping and dealing with an abundance of tragedy and trauma because life continues. Today I am present to contribute what I can, to the well being of others, today I am honest.
Except for this blog which is true and honest of my life, I just have to use other than my true identity to do so, as there are dangerous people about and I must protect myself and the children I am now raising. My son has become an addict and I have his children in my home with my husband.
I will tolerate no fabricated drama or dishonesty in my life and certainly not in theirs.
I am grateful I learned how to forgive, I am grateful I know I don't control any other person, I am grateful for my sobriety.